wish me luck!

for hope is just around the corner... *

[note: this is a pic from lovely stationery i bought from a 

Japanese seller at Etsy - she's got lots of beautiful stuff, it's hard to resist...

i apologize for the rush in posting this non-sense post and 

not providing a link to the seller's shop :-x]

i'm tired and in a hurry to go to bed, to sleep, of course, but to read the zines i just got in the mailbox today from lovely Pippa :)) along with the zines i bought her, she added some more extras/goodies (as usual :D) and that made me feel happy joy. happy to be alive (to read these zines and read the lovely handwritten notes they send me), even if my life is going through such troubled times.

trials and tribulations at etsy...

i've updated my profile page on Etsy. no big deal, but i felt i needed to inform people of the reason why i have an empty "etsy shop", because i'm mostly an obsessive zine buyer hahahaha
also, i've been giving the feedback on the last orders that have been arriving in the mail, but my brain is too tired and blank to add some written notes that are worthy and make the sellers feel good. i totally suck, but my brain is just like it is.


and unfortunately, i've had some mix-ups in a few orders. i hate it when these type of stuff happens because i have to contact the seller and tell what happened without sounding rude or something, i don't want anyone to be offended. the first time it happened, i contacted the seller and our conversations went ok, so now i've been waiting for something on the mail. it's been a while though... but ok. just last week i got another mixed order and i still couldn't find the mental strength to contact the girl about it. and today, here we go again, another mix-up with a rubber stamps order. and right now it's too late to go and write some elaborate text about it, besides it's just about time for me to turn off the laptop and tuck myself in bed reading some zines.

i say to myself "i'll have time to deal with this tomorrow, i'll write them about the mix-ups tomorrow, it's not the end of the world!" - but it's just me trying to convince the other me that i'll have time. cause tomorrow i'll arrive home from work, one hour later than usual (because at my "new" store we have to work 1 more hour than on my "ex"store) and even more tired than i used to be before and then there will be no time to get on the laptop, go online, check the emails, deal with those mixed-up orders.

is it worth it?

i had written something to post on my blog concerning the latest events that are talking place in my life, but if i were to transcribe it all it would be too long - it took me 4 and a half A5 pages to write - so perhaps i should save the best parts for my shitty zine project (yep, that one that will never came to life).


it's been about a week since i was on my laptop for the last time. yesterday i tried to turn it on early morning and the mouse wasn’t working, but i thought it might be because the laptop was working on batteries (?). but today, i connected everything with the usual plugs and then the mouse... still not working. i even tried testing it with the mouse i use on my desktop and none of them work! it's frustrating and it infuriates me, it makes me wanna pick the mouse and throw it against the wall, to see it smash in little pieces. and it's even more frustrating because this is actually the second mouse i got for the laptop, since the first one didn't work well (it would work for a while, then suddenly for no reason it'd stop working). so i went to the store (this was about 2 months ago) where i bought it (ironically, the nearest store of the very own corporation i work at) and explain to them the problem and had the other mouse exchanged for a new one, different brand and even a bit more expensive (19,99€). now, two months later no mouse’s work here... what the f~ck is going on?? do i have to go and get my dad desktop mouse and try it here too, so in the end it will be some f~cked-up problem with the laptop itself and with the connections on the USB ports? looks just like the whole world is out to f~cking get me.

yes, this time i'm swearing a lot, no wonder although. how can i work around on the laptop, moving files and working on word files using this stupid touchpad thing? how can i write this blog post, make copy-paste of text parts, spellchecked it correctly and whatever? i sense a nice headache coming this way (coming my head, i mean).


today is my father’s birthday, he's turning 65, officially entering the so-called middle-age. he and my mother went out for lunch at some restaurant and been out the rest of the day. mom just called me some minutes ago, and i heard dad joking about that he was going to buy a champagne bottle to celebrate when they come home for dinner.
i don't feel like celebrating. i keep remembering that i didn’t wish him «happy birthday!» or even gave him a kiss when he came to check on me [note: i was feeling “sick” and didn’t want to go to work, but i’ve got more details on that further down this post] at my bedroom this morning.


i just wanna curl up inside my bed, turn off the lights, and cry till i fall asleep. ah, not to forget to take the two magic (sleeping) pills so that i can fall asleep faster and sleep deeper. that's what i would be doing right now, if it wasn't for the guilt. always the damn guilt. maybe it's something we are cursed with from Christianity (even atheists like me?) and can hardly ever run way from. or maybe it's just our Conscious trying to tell us we can do better, we just have to try harder, even if it hurts and it turns you inside out.


overall, i initially turned on the laptop today because i had to check and update my resume, so that i could answer a job ad from this weekend's newspaper. that's why i'm not sleeping or lying around in the sofa watching some random tv show. because for the last 3 days i would get my conscious/guilt constantly reminding me that i would feel guilty later on, if i didn't at least try and send my resume (they asked it be sent by email) to that job ad. still, i've been on the laptop for almost 3 hours and haven't done much more than open the word file with my resume, update a few things here and there... and stare at the ad, at my email account, and at my resume.


i didn't go to work today. i couldn't. i just didn't feel in proper conditions to function and attend costumers the way i feel it's right, the way i used to do in my other store. yeah, i got transferred. i was "informed" on the last minute, you can almost say it that way. i wasn't asked if i wanted to go, if i could go, if i would like to. i was told i needed (have) to go. i was "informed" of my transfer on the 16th almost at 6:30pm, and had to be at me "new" store on the next day at 3pm. a whole lot of changes with a less than 24hour notice. i don't even know if that's legal (cause i suspect it is not). but who cares?

so this morning when i was feeling sick, i didn't called to warn them; not that i'm specially needed in there or that there's no-one else in there to do what i've been doing there... but they didn't try to call me either. they didn't even bother to ask for my phone number, so i guess it really isn't (i'm not) that important after all.

the last weeks, when i was still at my "ex" store, i used to secretly wish i'd get sick with the flu. no, really, i'm not kidding! just the normal flu would be enough, cause that would give me about 3 or 4 days to stay home away from all the negative energy i was starting to feel building up around me. maybe there was some sort of 6th sense kind of thing i was feeling... and know that i think about it it feels even weirder...


all this shit happening in the last week as made me unable to find the strengths to came online and reply to pending emails, to pending trades [i’m so sorry LM, please forgive me!] and etsy sellers (all lovely people) and check We Make Zines for new zines & people. my biggest apologies for not answering back to all you people that i’ve had been contacting the past weeks :-((


i wish i could just magically disappear and came back into a whole new world, or a whole new life, with a job that made me feel good about myself, a job that made me feel like a was making a (positive) difference in the world, a job that made me feel worthwhile. and, maybe, why not, a job that would be related to community service, helping animals (animal shelters, animals rights associations)? oh, i forgot, these are not “paying jobs”, so they’re not real jobs. ok, so...

... then i would just like to disappear into a dark and quiet void, please. Thank You, shitty world.

[2009-11-26 // 0:23am update]

i ended up drinking the champagne, as a little part inside of me remembered those days in the past when booze and dancing would make a bit of the pain(s) go away, even if just for a couple of hours. now, i guess that only worked when i was on my early twenties, because now at 31 alcohol seems to make me feel even more awake & aware of the shitty life i have and all the problems that can't never be fixed that easily. not with alcohol anyway, that's for sure.

i don't even know how i got enough brains to come back to the laptop and read some stuff, browse some zinester's blogs, go to my etsy things, etc etc. and even write another post for my blog.

and now i'm facing the harsh reality that i have to go to sleep so that i can wake up tomorrow early morning and fix my shit back up again so i can face another day of work at that place. how can i do this? how and where can i find the strengths to face another day in there?

i have no religion - therefore, no god(s) to pray for hope, no faith
i have no romantic relationship - therefore, no loved one to cuddle and give me hugs
i have no typical supportive family - therefore, again no loved ones to cuddle/hug/cheer me
i have ...nothing?


on a completely different issue, i emailed my resume to that job ad i wrote about in the middle of this post. it took me hours to get the guts to do it, but i finally did it. now i'll just wait. i now i'll try to act calm and not obsess over it if i don't get an answer (any answer, even if a NO) in the next few days. it makes me feel like that job ad is my last resort, which doesn't make that much sense, since i just barely started taking a peek at job ads and applying for them. maybe i should start doing more of this. the only problem is i have about two months of work to give my company if i want to quit my contract. it's something about contract laws, i would owe them 2months of work or then i'd have to pay them the equivalent of 2 months work. what if i get called to start working immediately somewhere else? lucky as i am, the downside will be on me. ahhh, shit!

LINKS: Zines & Distros

from the idea of the blogger gadget - the links list i called "IN THE MAILBOX LATELY" - that's on the right side of my blog, i decided it was time to compile a list of the zines i've been buying outside "major" distros (i mean Microcosm), and specially linking them to their authors.
i noticed i had edited those links list and had removed some people and that's not fair because they all really deserve to be known!


ZINES @ etsy & other websites
[note: i know many of you zine-lovers are not much into the commercial side of online shops like Etsy. i'm posting links to etsy shops because that's where i'm able to buy these zines from their authors. either way, most of them mention their personal website/blog on their etsy shop, so you can always contact them for finding alternative ways of buying their zines directly from them]

Chantilly [One Shot Zine] (country: Canada)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/chantillys

Pinchdog Press (Kate Andres-Toal) [Riot Wife zine, Cultivator zine & more] (country: Canada)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/okate

Alex Wrekk [Brainscan zine & more] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/brainscan

Erin Partridge [Anon zine] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/2littlewings

Filka (E J Zyla) [Haich zine & more] (country: Australia)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/Filka

The Ephemeral Mailbox Museum (Niku Arbabi) [Polaroid-Celluloid zine & more] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/niku

Tiny Paper Hearts [ Epitaph for my Heart zine, Shy Like A Punched Pie zine & more] (country: Australia)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/amandapandajapanese

Ayun Halliday [The East Village Inky zine] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/Ayun

Missy Kulik [Kneehigh mini series zines & more mini comics] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/sugarcookie

Katie Haegele [The La-La Theory zine & more] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/thelalatheory

Eleanor Jane [Girl Photographer zine & more] (country: Wales/UK)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/eleanorjane

Lamesha [CocoaPuss zine] (country: USA)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/CocoaPuss

redguard [Absent Cause zine & more] (country: USA)

-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/redguard

Amber [Culture Slut zine, Fight Boredom zine & more] (country: Canada)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/helloamber

Maranda Elizabeth [Telegram Ma'am zine & more] (country: Canada)
-- http://www.etsy.com/shop/schoolformaps

Sandy [Marbles zine & more] (country: Australia)

-- http://sandylovesyou.com

Tom Hendricks [Musea zine & more] (country: USA)
-- http://musea.us/

Pippa [Rebel Grrl zine, 50:50 zine & more] (country: UK)

-- http://rebelgrrlzine.weebly.com

Clementine Cannibal [Licking Stars Off Ceilings zine & more] (country: Canada)

-- http://sites.google.com/site/clementinecannibal

Laura-Marie [Functionally ill zine & more] (country: USA)

-- http://dangerouscompassions.blogspot.com

Nicole Harris [Introvert zine] (country: USA)

-- http://www.myspace.com/introvertzine

Chris Mikul [Bizarrism zine] (country: Australia)

-- only known contact by email -- cathob@wr.com.au

Keith Rosson [Avow zine] (country: USA)
-- http://keithrosson.com

Cindy Crabb [Doris zine & more] (country: USA)
-- http://www.dorisdorisdoris.com

» last updated - 2010/01/01

well, these are it for now, as far as i can remember and as far as my research through etsy & paypay emails go ;-)

if you sent me your zine and i forgot to mention you here, please leave your comment on this post!!
»» also, there are many more zines i really like that i bought in bulk orders from distros. in time, hopefully i'll add them to this list too ;-))
just a short list of these zines: Doris; Ker-Bloom!; Avow; You Don't Get There From Here; anything by Corinne Mucha; Black Carrot; Rocket Queen; ...]

DISTROS @ online

Click Clack Distro [by Nicole Harris, of «Introvert» zine]
(country: USA)
-- http://www.clickclackdistro.com

Small World Buttons [by Alex Wrekk, of «Brainscan» zine]
(country: USA)
-- http://smallworldbuttons.bigcartel.com

Microcosm Publishing (country: USA)
-- http://microcosmpublishing.com

Riot Grrrrrr Distro [by Cindy Crabb, of «Doris» zine]
(country: USA)
-- http://www.dorisdorisdoris.com/zines.html

writing subversive

somehow, today i managed to write my stuff while i was at work, wow amazing! i finally found a "technique" for doing it in a way that i can quickly close the program i'm using (windows wordpad) if i see someone approaching. sounds almost like i'm doing something bad or illegal, and i can understand the fact that when at your workplace you should be: working! but i really needed to write and i don't think witting in a piece of paper would be that very discreet, specially when you think of the security cameras. anyway, i had done most of the work i had to do, and was just laying around trying to kill time until lunch time, so it was perfect to have the chance to write. i can't tell you how many times i closed the file, but when it was safe around, i would open it up and continue (or at least i tried) my stream of thoughts.
i didn't get to finish my writing, there was some more stuff i could have written, but then i didn't have enough privacy anymore when costumers started to appear. it was a good thing to have costumers showing up though, don't get me wrong!


a while after i got home, i started setting up my desktop and the small mayhem that usually goes around it: zines, notebooks, plastic file bags, mail packages, etc...
i came up with an "awesome" idea - to make a file like a database (more of a spreadsheet like microsoft Excell) where i keep track of the zines i buy, mostly the big orders i make from Microcosm, because i'm afraid i'll order the same zines more then once, but also of other zines, and thus making a database of the zines i have in my collection, for future reference.
then i had yet another idea - to go trough my last orders (from Microcosm, of course) and start filing zines that i have more than one issue together, and putting together other "one-shot"-like zines by author.

this might be a little too much planning for tonight, since i'm working the morning shift this weekend, and it's the eternal dilemma between:
a) going to bed "early" to get enough sleep (which didn't happen last night) so that i can go to work and function properly the next morning without feeling sick (which did happen this morning, obviously); or
b) stay up late online or even if offline but doing stuff on the computer (that includes playing Solitaire too!), plus having daddy nagging me about what time it is blablabla, "do you have a watch?" - "are you going to work tomorrow? yeah? well, you sure seem like you're forgetting that no?" - "do you want m to turn that thing off for you?" - "i'm shutting down the modem in 5 minutes, so you better hurry and shut that sh~t off!" - blablah

yeah... this is just as ridiculous as it sounds, and has you're thinking it is, but it's real life. that's what you get for (still) living with your mom and dad :-D

shopping, reading stuff, bla bla bla

my first try at using rubber stamps

(sorry or the blurry & very bad photo, i guess the camera was too close to it)

just got my first (etsy) order from Japan ever wow! and my very first rubber stamps. i've been craving on these things for a while, after seeing some used in sweet original envelopes some zine people have sent me ;-)
and while sometimes i get these "obsessive-compulsive" wishes to buy certain things just for the sake of it, i tried my luck on searching for rubber stamps and ink pads on Etsy. it's just a pity that many of these items are  a bit expensive and then there's the shipping costs, which can make this quite an investment...


not quite the perfect day today but i guess it was the best i could get. considering the bad weather outside, strong wind and chilling rain. i lost the little motivation i had to go shopping for my food/groceries/etc stuff; it was my day off and that's what i usually do on these days.
but theses days seem to be all spent around doing the shopping and then coming home to put everything in their place and then i get no more free time left to do much of anything. so i kinda get a little frustrated on this type of (bad) routine and lately i've been avoiding doing this.

another reason that i didn't want to go out today was because i went to sleep really very late last night, almost at 6 am! so i spent the whole morning sleeping today, and when i tried to get up, around lunch time (1 pm), i just couldn't make myself do it... i'd turn over to the side of the bed and..zzzzzzzz fell back asleep. when i finally got the power to get up, it was around 3 pm. when you come to think of it, by 3 pm most of the day is already gone i guess... specially if it's one of those autumn days when it's all grey and cloudy outside, you can hear the wind hissing through the apartment windows and doors and by 4 pm you can't sit and read a book without having to turn on the lights because it's just too damn grey to read without ruining your eyes!
then i had lunch, vegetated a bit around the living room and decided to come back to my bedroom, set up my "stash" (laptop, zines & mail packages, notebooks, etc) and feed my addictions - zines, mails, artsy stuff, music(!), etsy, etc...
i felt a bit relieved after last night, even if that made go to bed really late, because i got to send some emails and give some etsy feedback on great zines i bought from very talented people. i even came to find out that someone actually does read this blog YEY! it's a bit embarrassing to think about it, but hey, if i was putting out a zine [my zine, that never-ending project i keep talking about], i'd be writing about much more personal stuff than what i write here on this blog, and people would read it (hopefully) too and then that would be much more "real" than the blog thing.


oh, i forgot to mention, i also got my polymer clay red kitty magnet, from the talented ladies of the Bichanos do Porto project. they're a group of friends that take care of abandoned cats and stray cats, many times they take them in their homes, take them to the veterinary (since most of the cats that are abandoned or living in the street for a while are most likely to get sick, injured, etc) and try to give the kitties and cats up for responsible adoption.
to support them financially, since this is obvisouly an expensive project, they have a few online shops/blogs, and i sometimes buy them stuff from their handmade crafts blog. unfortunatly for any foreign readers, their blogs are written only in portuguese, but you can just look at the pictures!

the Bichanos do Porto project blog --
 http://bichanosdoporto.blogspot.com/
the handmade crafts blog/shop --
 http://artesanato-bichanos-do-porto.blogspot.com/
another shop (2nd hand stuff, and new stuff too) --
 http://lojinhabichanosdoporto.blogspot.com/

blah!

it's f~cking cold!! bbbrrrr i'm hating this winterly Autumn!
i'm wearing 2 pajama pants and 2 pajamas sweaters plus 2 coats and 3 pairs of socks... can you believe this? i wouldn't if i had not seen it with my very own eyes!

so much stuff to do, so many zines to read and so little time :((

and that's it for tonight's blog update... lame, very lame.
i know ;p

sorry!

i don't feel so good tonight. work wasn't that much hard today and when i got home i was in a mood to spend the after dinner working on the zine, answering emails & updating stuff. although my lunch break didn't go so well, cause i ate almost 2 yogurts and the last one was just to much and i got a bit nauseous and feeling my stomach really full. but i kinda got better after arriving home anyway.
just that unfortunately, during dinner, my eyes started to itch/burn a lot and i hardly ever resist to rubbing them, and even put these special "artificial tears" medication i have, to use when i get dry eyes. still the burning feeling didn't go away for quite a while and after coming to my bedroom and setting up my "workspace" i still don't feel well enough to spend that much time here... the itch/burn was fading but then i started to feel very sleepy (true that i didn't get enough sleep last night). i even thought i might be coming down with something, maybe a cold, not to even to mention the flu.. uhhhh scary!

it's chilly in here, my hands and fingertips are almost freezing, and the tip of my nose gets cold easily. during the day at work, i did have to blow my nose a few times and since i'm home i've done that a lot. which can get annoying, specially with my nose "problems" - sinusitis or rhinitis or whatever the heck this is, it makes my nose hurt when i blow it many times, and even when i'm not even touching the nose.

so this whole thing has messed up my plans for this lovely saturday night... and i even have tomorrow my day off work. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.
what can i do know? go to the living room and watch some stupid dance-on-ice contest or "steal" the remote and watch some sitcom on FoxLife. maybe there will be a good movie on later tonight... nahh, i doubt it. last night they had Aliens, i think it was the 1st movie and i couldn't stay up watching it (though i have seen it more than once) because i had to get up early today for work. so i don't have much hope that there will be a(nother) good movie  on tonight ;-/ . i'm not really excited about spending the night vegetating in front of the tv though, case i've spent so many nights (and days) doing that, that after a while i feel like i'm wasting my time doing nothing. when i could be doing something much more productive... and i sure don't lack on stuff that i need to get done around here. but my brain is a mess right now. i hate the cold water, and it's not even Winter yet!

i even thought about going to sleep but it's still a bit early for that geez!... doing the "lay-down-to-rest-for-a-bit" would end up in the same thing, i'm sure i would fall asleep soon and then i'd wake up freezing.
maybe i could read some of the last zines i got in the mail, and continue the other ones... if my stupid eyes weren't starting to itch again! baahh tonight is really sucking a lot now! perhaps it's the antibiotic i'm taking for the tooth treatment i got yesterday at my lady dentist? gotta go read the side effects again, dammit!

my 31st birthday

it was a grey depressig rainy & windy day...

my mother's surprise gift she made for when

i got home last night, from work

and this is a lame photo i took when i got home...

i felt i just had to take one photo as "souvenir", for a future

generation to know how i looked like at 31...

... it sucks big time! hehhehe

i'll be back tomorrow to write a bit about this 31st birthday...

currently reading - Winter 2010

[continuous updating // last update: 2010-01-28]


zines:
there are many more zines that i've read since i first started this post/list, and many that i keep at my bedside table... i've come to find it's very hard to keep track of them in this post, sorry ;-(

to cut a long story short, currently there's an "old" issue of Doris zine (#20 or 21#), Here Be Dragons #9,   Journalsong #6, etc
in the meantime, there is Avow #23, Tenacious (Writings from Women in Prison) #18, and a couple of other mini-zines are "bookmarked" with a bright-colored little post-its, desperately waiting for their turn to be read!...


It’s Not the End of the World: building a life with limp wrists // by Ocean Capewell

Against the Flood #1 & #2 // by Hannah

Introvert #5 // by Nicole

Polaroid Celluloid #2 // by Niku

We'll Never Have Paris #3 // compilation zine by Andria Alefhi

Snakepit #11 // by Ben Snakepit

East Village Inky #42 // by Ayun Halliday

Abort #21 // by Jonathan Spies

Moments of Struggle: An Illustrated Introduction To Some Anarchist History // by Isy Morgenmuffel

[all 3 read in one night!]
Doris #15: The Anti-Depression Guide // by Cindy Crabb
Homobody #4 // by Rio Safari
Ker-Bloom! #80 // by artnoose

Telegram Ma'am #17 / Culture Slut #17 // by Maranda Elizabeth & Amber Forrester

Better Looking Than a Blog: A Collection: Ten Foot Rule Journal Comix Winter of 2007 // by Shawn Granton

Avow #17 // by Keith Rosson

Brainscan #19 // by Alex Wrekk

Brainscan #20 // by Alex Wrekk

Beyond Gallery Walls and Dead White Men: Anarcha-Feminism in Action // by Kendra and Lauren

Licking Stars Off Ceilings #1 // by Clemmentine Cannibal

Anarchism: What It Really Stands For // by Emma Goldman

Thirty Hour Sloth #2 // by Sarah Wayward

I am not a bad gorilla // by Zack Sternwalker

Support Zine // by Cindy Crabb

Navigating the Space Between Brilliance & Madness #1 // by Sascha Scatter/The Icarus Project

Bizarrism #10 // by Chris Mikul

Civilization Will Eat Itself // by Ran Prieur


[  although this isn't what you'd call a "Recommendations List", i enjoyed reading all of these zines, so, feel free to look them up online and buy some ;-)  ]



books:

The Photojojo Book: Insanely Great Photo Projects and DIY Ideas // 
by Amit Gupta, with Kelly Jensen // [blogged about here]

The Artist's Way // by Julia Cameron // [blogged about here]

Stolen Sharpie Revolution 2 // by Alex Wrekk  [re-reading it, actually]

Live Through This: On Creativity and Self-destruction // 
edited by Sabrina Chapadjiev // [blogged about here]

Whatcha Mean, What's a Zine? // by Mark Todd & Esther Pearl Watson  [re-reading / use as reference]

DIY: The Rise of Lo-Fi Culture // by Amy Spencer