Wednesday, March 31, 2010

i miss you

i miss writing here, yep. maybe its a weird thing to say but lately i've been so tangled and busy with other things that i even stopped writing my Morning Pages, which were kind of a daily writing journal/diary type of thing. i just didn't have the time anymore, after waking up, mostly because lately i've been waking up too tired and there are always some bad vibes around here.

while i'm writing this quick post, i'm also updating the "former" zine reviews blog i had created, explaining why that blog is now on a hiatus, perhaps a very long one, who knows...

the thing is - i started a zine (and books!) distro. yeah, me! so to save me some time, i'll just x-post part of the other blog's post in here...

i've moved on to a more important project, starting my own little distro - Invicta Distro. you can pay us a visit here.
the website is still a bit under-construction but you can read a little about me and why i decided to start a distro, and also learn the meaning of the distro's name.

while we're at it, i'm accepting zines for distro consideration, so if you have a zine, stop by the distro's website and read about Zine Topics to get an idea of what types of zines i'm looking for.
but if your zine (or self-published book) doesn't exactly fall into those topics i mentioned, i'm available to talk about your project, i'm always open to read different and new things!

i thought that if i was going to be reading all those zines & writing about them, i might as well try and share them with the rest of the world by distributing them! this is not the main reason why i started the distro though, don't get me wrong! you can read about why i started the distro in the About section of the distro's website ;-)
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i couldn't spend the day working on distro stuff because i had some "Spring" cleanings to do in my bedroom. i turned on the laptop to do a quick check on emails but everything was calm so i went to do some cleanings. every now and then i would come back to check my emails, but the whole day was calm enough, no distro emails, no Facebook urgent messages or anything, so i kept doing my cleanings after dinner and i'm now quite satisfied with what i've accomplished! it means i can go back to sleep in my bedroom (leaving the couch for tv zapping), and secretly read under my blankets before going to sleep...

so i'll be off to bed soon... a new and mysterious book awaits me. when i opened the package and flipped through its pages i was puzzled because it looks like the book is half poetry and half prose or biography or whatever. i must have been a little distracted when i ordered it, but it must have been something in the book's description that made me click ''add to cart''. the pages still look very interesting, and when i had the book in my hands i felt curious, so i just have to read it!

sometimes i need to read books to. that doesn't mean i'm tired of reading zines! but it seems like i see some people dissing books in favor of zines, which makes me sad. all my life i've loved books and read too many to remember the number, but when zines (re)appeared in my life, about a year ago, i felt so excited about this (new) medium and started reading mostly zines, leaving some books unfinished. i could feel some sort of connection to some of the people who wrote some zines, and/or identify myself with some of them, sharing similar life experiences and thoughts and problems. they made me feel less lonely, specially when the times got harder and after losing my job. they would give me a little hope that i could some day accomplish something important in my life, something that could reach out to other people, something that could make a difference. but that's a whole new story...

i wish the day had 30 hours instead of 24, so that i could read a lot more! but it only has 24hours and i can't spend most of them reading, even if i tried. 
so the last couple of months i've been reading zines mostly. but everyone needs a bit of fresh air sometimes, don't you think? i value reading, above it all, above the differences of the mediums - books vs. zines -, above the type of "literature" - fiction, poetry, comics, how-to guides, journals -, above the so-called independent publishing vs. mainstream publishing companies. i just like to read, it's as simple as that.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

my day today...

this is basically what i did today. this time i decided to leave writing style behind and just put it like a To-Do List (in this case, Have-Done List).

- wake up
- write
- wash up
- make & eat "lunch"
- go online
- play FarmVille
- browse for free downloadable e-zines about alternative fashion, feminism, art & design, illustration & comics... and also download a new "mainstream" fashion & lifestyle Portuguese magazine (i'm human, after all!)
- find a couple of the alternative e-zines from Issuu on Facebook and message/friended/fan-add them
- stop to wash the dishes, do some cleanings in the fridge, separate garbage for recycling
- close all the window blinds in the apartment
- grab a cereal bar as snack, sit in the sofa relaxing to "examine" a new zine, while trying to write a draft for a review about it
- stop because of people arriving, no privacy to continue lounging around in the sofa reading weird zine & writing about it
- go online again
- answer emails to distro, update labels on some emails about zines that already arrived
- leave Etsy feedbacks
- research & compare prices on books, zines & misc merchandise online
- second try at the Big Cartel to experiment on setting up a small online store
- failed at setting up the store at Big Cartel, because the shipping costs & PayPal settings still confuse me - i prefer to deal with each order personally, depending on the buyer's country, amount of items/weights/sizes - so that i can see what size of envelope is needed, what type(s) of postage(s) can be applied, etc
- stop to have dinner
- go online again
- check Facebook messages/notifications and whatnot
- browse & read/print PayPal Help pages about payment options, email payments, PayPal fees (blergh!), making & sending invoices, etc
- think about setting up a very basic store just using Blogger, because by now i'm quite used to the way their sites (blogs) work
- stop to get a bowl of cereals ("midnight snack")
- stare at my laptop's screen and wonder what should i do next... Ah!! find an image to go along with this post
- done that
- read article on Tasks Lists & To-Do List
- browse info on a software that is an online task manager, sign up to a free account to experiment such software
- realize i will hardly ever use that again. what happens when i don't have internet connection? how can i "manage my tasks" then? their intentions are good, but the internets aren't always in a good mood for that.

and to think i've bought quite a few Moleskine's little notebooks and never use them... bahh!

- stare at my laptop's screen again and wonder what should i do next......

Sunday, March 7, 2010

7.1. Developing a Business Plan

i'm on Class 3, from the total of 5, and i have to finish the course until March 11.

as i'm given this work assignment to "Develop a Business Plan", i come to realize that from the 13 topics questionnaire, i don't know how to answer over half of the questions.

this afternoon and after dinner, all throughout this classes's program, i've been trying to read and trying desperately to understand the program, but for most of it i couldn't.
this is making me feel so frustrated and depressed. this makes me feel stupid. like i've lost what was (still) left of my intelligence...

what was i thinking when i signed up for this shit?! did i really think i had enough neurones left in my brain, after all these years of useless classes of this and that, of working for free at training jobs, with no experience and working my ass off to learn new technical skills and developing some socializing skills? all this for what?
for a dream of almost 2years working at a "steady" job and then seeing my "dream" torn apart almost overnight. i know i was the one who quit the job, i know. but i couldn't go on at it the way it was, i was going crazy.
and here i am now, 3 months later, feeling like a total loser, stupid, frustrated, angry, and feeling guilty for the money i spent signing up for these Entrepreneurship classes.

i know that maybe i should face the fact that perhaps i'm not ready (yet) to create my own business. i don't have the management, marketing, selling knowledges required, even less the financial stability to engage in such an investment. maybe, just maybe, i should wait a while. maybe restart looking for a shitty part-time job. but this is what i had been doing before i started the class and i wasn't being that successful in finding a job! damn this vicious circle, damn this country i say! i don't damn my own country with pride, but with grudge.
i know i can't be perfect all the time, i can't be the know-it-all. but i was never taught to think or behave differently. and this makes me feel even more stupid.
i think i'm gonna give up studying for tonight, i have to stop torturing myself, i'm already feeling like i'm falling down through that dark hole of depression... again.

lately, the only times when i feel good are:
- while i'm reading - zines mostly -, i've set the TAW book aside for a while, but know i feel i should pick up on the reading and the lessons...,
- while i'm writing on my journal, doing my first TAW lesson everyday after waking up,
- while i'm sleeping, this way i don't have to think and worry about my useless life.

i do try to see the bright side of things, i do try to live one day at a time. but it's getting harder and harder, i'm alone in my trials and it's getting harder to keep any of the hope i still might have left inside alive. 
it's hard to believe that my life will ever change, it's hard to believe that i'll ever get out of here and move on to something better, to a life of my own.

and i apologize, to you reading this, for the whole gloomy rant.

Monday, March 1, 2010

cloxazolam 2x

Cloxazolam (marketed under brand name Sepazon, Olcadil (Brazil, Portugal and Spain), Akton (Belgium), Lubalix (Switzerland) is a drug which is a benzodiazepine derivative. Cloxazolam is metabolised into the active metabolite chlordesmethyldiazepam (delorazepam). It possesses anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, hypnotic, sedative and skeletal muscle relaxant properties. 

A sedative is a substance that induces sedation by reducing irritability or excitement. At higher doses it may result in slurred speech, staggering gait, poor judgment, and slow, uncertain reflexes. Doses of sedatives such as benzodiazepines when used as a hypnotic to induce sleep tend to be higher than those used to relieve anxiety where as only low doses are needed to provide calming sedative effects.

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for the first time in months, a double dose of my lovely sleeping pills seems to be working to fulfill its purpose. i used to need a triple dose to make fall asleep and have a perfect night of rest. so i guess it's good news that tonight i only took 2 pills, at around midnight, and two hours later i started to feel the effects. my eyes feel tired, my brain is getting blurry and i'm getting slow. i really need to change my sleeping habits, or else i risk developing a serious sleeping disorder. 

i also need to get up early, in the morning, so that i can continue my e-learning classes. i kinda messed up the first class on friday, and today i had a new class available online but i didn't want to take it because i haven't completed even half of the previous class. i stopped on the first task assignments ("homework") and have been procrastinating around it... Sure it makes me feel bad, it makes me feel guilty and incapable of accomplishing things. 

but things haven't been easy around here, i haven't had that many quietness at home, mostly thanks to my neighbors, they are such morons! on the weekends it's worse, because their little kids don't have school/kindergarten... so they spend their time at home shrieking, running around, jumping on the beds(?). or when they leave the house, they "forget" to take their dog with them and he barks for hours. the condo building i live in, we've come to the conclusion that it has very poor isolating materials, otherwise we wouldn't hear so much from the neighbors noises. but i have my doubts that the construction of the building is the one to blame, and not the rude, arrogant, and disrespectful attitude of some of my neighbors.

know i just need to force myself to forget about emails and facebook and facebook games, turn of the laptop and get ready to go to sleep. i would really like to read a little before going to sleep, it's a habit that i have for years and treasure... though i'm not sure if i won't fall asleep before i can pick up a zine to read hahaha

bad news: a lightning storm has come and that means we have to shut down the wireless modem... So, that's really the end of internets for tonight. 
bye bye