it's been over two months but...

... i'm still unemployed, yey. to tell the truth, it's not like i've been trying 100% to do my best at looking for jobs, but daily seeing pointless jobs ads can be a little too overwhelming. and i end up not "going the extra mile".
then, suddenly, someone [dad] had this idea that i should take a Photography course.
about 4 years ago, when i first started working/training on photography, i had told him i would like to take classes on that, because i like photography and would like to be better at it etc etc. but my "request" was shrugged off as being unimportant or making no sense. then i worked in the real world of photographers and studios and printing lab; this was my life for the last 3 years or so. and now that this ended, is when daddy remembers that i could make good use of professional photography classes. well, f~cking duuhh!
at first i was so angry at his suggestion, that i sort of pretended to be interested in his idea and even browsed the internet for local schools were they have those classes. most of them are way to expensive, at least, to my point of view! actually, he hasn't even mentioned who is supposed to pay for such classes. obviously i'll have decision power over taking those classes or not, if i'm the one to pay for them.

at first, i even thought that maybe if i let some time go by, he will end up forgetting the idea... and probably move on to the next thing to nag me about. but then i started browsing around and found a portuguese E-Learning company that has various classes on various subjects. and i found a few classes that look quite appealing to me. on one hand, there isn't much "utility" in most of those classes, when it comes to professional utility. on the other hand, on a personal level, those classes include various subjects that interest me, some that i was always interested in learning.
and part of me would really like to "get away" from the other things/subjects i've worked professionally before. i was getting tired before i quit my job, anyway, so maybe that was a sign that something needed to change. and when i started reading the «Artist's Way» and browsing the books' online forum, i began to think that maybe i really need to change my path, maybe take the next route, diverge a little from the "original" path.
because, in reality, i don't have a career, so i don't have to keep doing the same things over and over and over, do i?

now, the funny thing happened tonight, as i went online on msn to chat with an old friend who's coming to town this weekend. he's a photographer, go figure... After almost 30 years, he decided to change and follow a new and different path: he went to take a professional Photography course, for over one year. and while doing this, he discovered what he wanted to do. i was really happy for him, when he told me his story, over a year ago. and tonight, i started telling him a bit about what my (messed up) life is like right now, and since he was on photography, i told about my dad's "suggestion" to take classes on Photography, my feelings about the issue, etc. then i was looking at some of his photography works, from his time in the course and now as a freelance.
and now i'm so sure that i don't want to take, at least, some photography classes.
i never stopped liking (loving?) Art Photography, i was just tired of all the amateur photos i saw everyday. i was tired of doing the same things at the lab over and over again, without much room for innovation or improvement. it's true that i learned something almost everyday, whether it was on how to handle costumers, schedule deliveries, schedule my own time of work. and sometimes i would learn a bit more on how to correct or frame some more complex photos. all this thanks to my co-worker and mentor, to whom i'll always be grateful.
but it came to a point when that was not enough.
my brain needs new things, every now and then, if not frequently. i like learning new things, on the subjects that interest me, of course. if it's something i wasn't interested before, i will hardly like or even feel motivated enough to go learn it. and by now, at the age of 31 [gosh, i feel old!], i think i now well what are the things that interest me and the ones that don't.

i've signed up for two courses on that E-Learning website. i was kinda afraid at first, because the course that seemed to be most useful at this moment, «Entrepreneurship and Business Creation» was one of the more expensive ones from my choices. but after that talk with my friend, he didn't think the price was that much expensive, considering the advantages of learning online and all that. so i took the courage and signup. though this class is starting a bit earlier than what i'd expected (right next week), i'm still thinking of how am i going to tell my parents about it. it's weird, because it seems like, for the first time in years, i've made a decision of my own, without consulting, or at least, inform them. either way, i always have the chance to give up on taking that class, because i haven't payed for it yet.
the other course, is «Tourism and Cultural Heritage», but it starts near the end of the month, so i've got plenty of time to change my mind. i had chosen this class first because it was one of the "not so" expensive ones and i wanted to try something more "simple" to see if i could succeed on a E-Learning course. it's a bit of a silly idea though, because this course's program isn't that "simple", even if it has some subjects that interest me, it makes me wonder if it's really worth spending my money on it...

what i know for sure is that my mind is still messed-up at this moment. to much to think about, too many decisions to make, somethings to let go of and some other that i must take in.
discipline, commitment, hope, strength, all these and maybe more will be needed if i wanna accomplish anything in the very near future. where do i go to get these, who do i turn to?...