Friday, October 30, 2009

friday off

what i've been up to:
finally i managed to post a list of all the stuff i'm reading, i mean the zines i've been reading lately (some of them older than others, and some i haven't actually picked up in a while now sorry, but ok) and some books i keep near in my bedroom, besides the Stolen Sharpie book. due to its small & practical size i carry it around in my bag and sometimes i (re)read it on my commutes in the subway.
i also got to "organize" my zine collection by putting zines & mail i got from individual zinesters in the last couple of months each on an separate plastic file "folder". i had done this before with the zines i got from Microcosm, filling them by themes, but since i tend to buy more issues of the zines i like most, i think it's easier to file them by title or creator.
while i was looking up zines & books, i found another notebook that was in my bedside table's drawer and there are a few texts in it, most "recent" one dates from the end of may this year. it's 4 and half pages long, and it looks like it's a good one for transcribing, maybe add it to the zine. it seems most of my texts have turned into "old" writings by now, because of how long i've been into this zine-making project... i've been witting some stuff lately, and i don't know if these old and new texts would fit well for the first issue of the zine. maybe it's too much content, to much to read? maybe yes. by the time i finish putting all texts in digital files i'll probably have enough material for making two issues hahaha!

still, this seems to be a little far from conclusion, a first issue, i mean. there's so much going on around me that it's still hard to concentrate my energy on this project, even with having the laptop in my bedroom, i'm not quite "there" yet.
there's still too much bad vibes around in the house... making me feel that i should have left when i had the (small) chance. too late for that now. maybe in a year, if i still have a job by then. and by then i'll have to start all over again the dull process of looking for ads on room renting. because the ways things are, i don't think i'll win the lottery or something and be able to buy/rent my own place, just for me (and maybe a cat, i want one so bad). and i'm definitely not going to get a raise on my current job, or find a great job that will pay me enough for such a living.
it sucks to make bad decisions on important issues of your life. it sucks not to be rich. no, really, it sucks not having enough money to be able to support yourself on a small apartment/studio/whatever and still have money for food (mostly vegan, which is more expensive than "normal" food), electricity/water/internet expenses, health expenses, and whatnot.

i'm so used to being in the night shift that i keep forgetting this weekend i'll be doing the morning shift. and that kinda sucks because i still haven't' thought about what i'll be making for tomorrows lunch at work. not that i wasn't reminded of such "obligation" a while ago, but it looked more like i was being reprimanded for something i did wrong. almost 31 and i still get treated like a f~cking child. and when they do it this way, i get even less appetite than the few i already have, and less motivation to do anything at all.

now, i've made a mess all over my bed. some plastic folders behind my left, some more on my left with mail i got today from Pippa (still have to answer her), then the pin buttons i've bought from okate and Alex/Small World Buttons, next 4 notebooks where i write my journaling stuff, next the zines i made the «currently reading» post with, my online shopping notebook (where i have a list of the stuff i buy online, who/how much/when i bought it, when it arrived, and have i answered them back or not).
on my right, it's the mail i got from Alex Wrekk, Brainscan zines, pin button, an extra cd as a goodie, thank you notes, my cellphone, a water bottle, and some other boring mail i got from an online retail clothing store.
in the middle of all this mess, there's me sitting with crossed legs, leaning over my laptop. i keep remembering i still have to go and eat dinner (perhaps what was left, if anything, from today lunch chinese food). it's getting a little late fro dinner though, and i hate it when this happens, but it's always the same sh~t in our house...
a couple of minutes ago i was hearing one of the neighbors' kids crying, or squeaking as i like to call it, and his mother yelling something at him. just not long ago i heard him running around the house and squeaking joyfully. and when things don't go the way he wants to, he just starts squeaking, and it's all just crocodile tears anyway. these kids learn pretty fast nowadays, don't they? what does this have to do with what i was writing before, about dinner? i guess not much, but it's just another thing to add up to my list of annoyances in here.

11:50pm update
something in my microsoft office went wrong and i can no longer use word to write or edit my stuff. sure, i have the trial-version that came with the laptop from the manufacturer. anyway, it sucks cause it had a really good spellchecker. i still couldn't find my away around OpenOffice's spellchecker and that totally messes up my work for the zine now! also, my Google Chrome browser (and as i'm trying it on others, so is Firefox) is acting weird with the spellchecker, specially when i'm writing posts on blogger. i don't know what happened to blogger spellchecker anyway. a few months ago i saw this option and now it's gone?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

doing stuff!

yep, i really have been working on the zine (thank you Filka ^^). but i just got surprised and scared at the same time, when i counted how many pages (it's A5 size but still...) i have written on my notebook still to be transcribed to the computer so i can edit and stuff - 24 pages! WOW!
will i ever get this done? should i leave the more recent texts out of the first issue, on the fear or making it too full of writing and few images and thus make it a very very boring zine?

on the other hand, i've finally sent my 'corrected' submission for G.'s project. my very first submission for this kind of stuff! i'm anxious to see the final result, and read other people's contributions, but i also feel a bit shy and afraid that others will read my text and find it dull.
i would like to do this kind of thing again though, even making my own contributors zine(s) but i don't know if i would be able to get things ready on time, keeping track of submitted work and all that... i keep checking the forums & groups at We Make Zines for post asking for submissions but so far i haven't had the guts to answer any. i'm not sure if i could write proper material for the themes proposed and as for artsy contributions, count me out cause i suck at drawing :-p

at the same time, i've been listening to some music, selecting the best tunes for the surprise cd i'm making for L. (won't be much of a surprise if L. read my blog but ok! LoL). if i didn't have my older texts to transcribe, i would definitely be writing something new, because all this music makes me inspired... some songs are like classics and/or i haven't listened to them in a while, so there's a bit of nostalgia mixed with hope in all this. i still have to make a booklet for the cd, at least with a small info on each artist, otherwise L. will feel she's listening to chinese music from the 16th century or something [i don't really know anything about that, was there a particular music period back then in china?]. i'm also thinking about another "themed" cd to send L. next, but shhh, don't tell her, it's a secret!

so i made a little pause on the transcribing thing to update the blog and rest my eyes a bit. tonight is cool cause the hour is changing, we're delaying the clock 1 hour, they [they=the media] say it's at 2am but anytime's just fine for me, cause tomorrow is my day off yeys!! this sunday has 25 hours like they said, though it's kind of a silly thing to say anyway. for me, a day could have like 34 hours or so. this way i could sleep a couple more hours an be left with four hours to spend between working on the zine, surfing the web and reading emails, cooking proper healthy food. but we're stuck with 24, so... deal with it, period!

Friday, October 23, 2009

patience is a virtue...

because here i am at work, with no real "work" to do (and this damn browser has no spelling corrector, so f~ck it!). well, that's not totally true. i have one order i could print, but it's only to be sent by express mail on next monday, and with the slow & low amount of orders we've been having at the store i don't think we really need to rush off to print that single order we have at the moment...

last night was like today, at least until about this hour (8.30pm). today i did get a couple more costumers to do prints on the hour/minute in the end of the afternoon, but by now it's zero costumers. i sense there are a few at the store downstairs, but that's what you get for a rainy/chilly friday night...

last night i got really bored, with not much to do after i downloaded that one order. so i was going from one computer to another (i got 3 to choose from, but only one has internet connection snif snif), playing mahjong/solitaire, cleaning files and old orders already done & delivered, browsing the web and checking my email.
but it gets boring after a while; i don't have a proper chair to sit on, only at the printing computer and having nothing (except for playing solitaire) to do there, i start feeling sleepy and with a back pain (due to a columns bad position i guess). besides boringness, it's frustrating to be at your workplace and have nothing to do, it feels so useless to be here, and i think how i could be at home or doing something much more useful (like working on my zine!).

are autumn nights all gona be like this? probably yes! at least, until around middle november perhaps, when we start getting print orders for christmas and such... by then it will be worse, the night shift will last until midnight and i'm not sure if we'll have as many days off per week as we do now.

it's not as depressing as it sounds! no, i'm kidding. it is that depressing.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

“Untitled” by Anonymous

Wordle: Untitled

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

maybe not... or maybe it's just a bad phase?

and again, another day off work where nothing important was done, nothing productive... i can't find enough words to explain you how frustrating this feels to me!!

i'm beginning to think that this perzine thing will never work and i might as well just move on to another obsession for the next couple of months. it can still have to do with zines but then again, that way it won't make any sense to keep on buying zines from around the world, will it? really, i do think it's going to be really hard do ever come to finished this project of my Birdcage perzine. and sad to think how much i live the title and had been choosing pictures and lettering for the first cover, only to never see it happen.
and this almost make me feel like the purchase of my laptop will become a total waste of money... since i first started thinking about buying it to be able to write and have enough privacy doing that. just when you think it can't get any more frustrating...

my birthday is coming and deep inside i think i sense it and in a way it puts in a down mood. i can't explain why. or maybe i can but it just doesn't seem to make much sense (to other people) as to why my birthday makes me feel depressed. it will be my 31st birthday... it's hard to imagine that thirty one years have already passed and that i don't know how many more i still have in front of me. this way of saying it sounds really strange, doesn't it? i know.
it's just cause if 31 years passed this fast, and i still haven't accomplished nothing really big or of great matter to me (or to the world) in my life, then what will happen in the next years? will something change, will something really important happen? when will that life changing event happen, that epiphany that happens to so many other people and that makes them change or just changes itself and turns people's life's into happy and rewarding life's?
seems like all i've had in my life were life changing events for the worst, or epiphanies on how sad life is, how twisted and hopeless Mankind is, how we are destroying our Earth and all that apocalypse eco-political talk and stuff like that.

at the same time i've been writing this post, i'm having an msn chat with one of my best friends. and not surprisingly, our conversation ended up on my zine project. no epiphanies there, only the usual conclusion that if certain things are not happening/working, it's because its just my very own fault. so what else is new?

Friday, October 16, 2009

another day off...

today i had my day off (off work, i mean), and again, it was a crappy day, where i made no advances in my stupid zine project thing... like in almost every day off i have, i use it to go shopping at the supermarket for stuff i need, like food, groceries stuff and hygiene products etc etc. but today felt like i wasted all my time around doing the shopping..and sleeping.

to be honest, i slept until around 2pm, though it's not like i went to bed very late last night. i went at an usual hour, and i actually was feeling terribly sleepy after i'd been writing on my journal. i forced myself to keep awake just to finish reading a couple of zines, to continue reading a few pages on others and even to start reading a new one! it's a bit obsessive, i know...

i guess i was feeling a little bit frenzy last night because i had to grab my notebook and start writing fast, just a couple of minutes after i went to my bedroom, shortly after arriving home from work. i hadn't written in a few days and was starting to feel like i had a lot of stuff inside my mind that needed to come out, and even maybe vent some stuff about work and life in general...

it seems that writing is a good thing for my (poor) mental health; it seems to ease my mind & heart and clear my brains a bit, which can do wonders after a days/nights' work. of course, i know writing doesn't solve anything, it's not like it can make miracles and the next morning i'll wake up, go to work and everything will go wonderfully. writing doesn't make the bad things go away, it doesn't give my any more hope or happy feelings than eating great ice cream or some chocolate. sounds silly when i put it this way, but it's true.
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anyway, today seemed like a total waste of time and energy around doing the same shitty stuff i do every day off, being that today i didn't make ANYTHING at all for the zine (i really can't remember anything i might have done). well, maybe writing this crappy blog post with "updates" on my project could count as one thing? i dunno... blahh.
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it's bedtime now, tomorrow i start the first of 4 days working on the morning shift, after working the night shift for most of the past days, so it's gonna screw up my bio clock, but, who cares?...

day 1 - i'll be alone, my co-worker has his day off
day 2 - alone until around 3.30pm, when my co-worker comes in, but there's a football game up at the stadium, so it's a useless day cause there are very few costumers
day 3 - alone, it's my co-workers' sunday off day
day 4 - alone again, somehow, the person who makes our work schedules managed to give another day off in a row to my co-worker [i'm not envious or anything like that, it's just that that kind of stuff screws up our schedules and can lead to some pending and confusing orders]

at least i have those magic anxiety pills, one half every morning and i'll be doing fine ( i wished it was easier said than done!), not so much stress or worries about not finishing orders on time or having clients ask for their orders done in unrealistic time. or one of the things i hate most: having clients come at the counter just as soon as the store opens the doors; sometimes i'm still arriving with the cash box and the computer is running slow or being awkward and they are all in a hurry to get attended, like they're in the hospital emergency room or some sh*t like that... ««---- see, this is me, ranting on about my job. there you go, some lovely writings from moi-même. just a bunch of crap, isn't it?

Monday, October 5, 2009

last night / today

last night i tried to watch a movie in my new laptop for the first time. had to get DivX because neither windows media player or winamp had video codecs for that, so it a look a bit longer to set up my own little movie theater.
then i wasn't sure of what to watch, because i got so many dvds burned with movies i never get time to watch and even dvds i bought, but then i deadiced on «Mirror Mask». it's a beautiful and amazing movie, specially when it comes to graphics and special effects. for all of you that know and like Dave McKean's dazzling illustrations, then you CAN'T skip seeing this movie!

today i'm on my day off, but still i had to get up early because i needed to phone my workmate and give him a few messages i couldn't write down yesterday at work. i had a light breakfast, called the store and it didn't take us more than 10 minutes of talking and then i went back to bed for some more rest... it was raining outside. so finally, autumn has settled in. and it's been raining all day long and although it's not exactly cold it's all grey and gloomy. it's almost 7.30 pm and right now its pouring rain outside.

it's been quite a depressive weather. and this in my day off, imagine that. just to think that the grey and rainy days are gonna continue through the rest of the week and i'll be at work, looking out the big glass doors/windows into the grey and watch the rain fall outside. then coming the night it will be too chilly to feel motivated to work and by the time they close the store my nose will have frozen. this is all very encouraging, no doubt about it!...

after lunch i came to my bedroom to decide on how i was gonna continue organizing/cleaning my clutter (to get a little space for setting up my laptop permanently) and where to start first and felt like i had no strengths to do anything when i looked out the window curtains and it was all grey outside. i had to decide between cleaning up or going to the living-room/office and drag myself to my desktop pc. i still hadn't answered emails or messaged back at all the nice people who sent me their lovely zines. as usual, i procrastinate. a lot...

Your horoscope for...

Your horoscope for October 5, 2009
Nothing seems to be clicking for you the way you want, C. Your rational mind tells you that everything is in place, things are fine, and that you have a green light to go ahead with all of your plans. There is a small voice inside you, however, that is suggesting otherwise. Perhaps you have an inkling that your plan is flawed in some way. Perhaps you are trying to ignore a certain pain in your heart by keeping it a secret from others, when in reality, you need to let it out to the world.

Your horoscope for October 4, 2009
Today heralds the beginning of a very agreeable period. Your ego will be especially happy, C! You will be project confidence, clarity, and influence wherever you go. You used up a lot of your reserves during the last few months, so you've made it to this stage just in the nick of time.

Your horoscope for October 3, 2009
You may be finding it hard to sit still today, C. People may be pulling your chain right and left in order to get some sort of rise out of you. That which seems grounded and solid may end up being flimsy and detached. Beware of the rocks you step on. They are apt to give way with very little warning. Your overall appetite may be ravenous, but more than likely, there will not be nearly enough nourishment to satiate you.

Your horoscope for October 2, 2009
You may feel a bit unclear about your professional direction today, C. Without warning, your motivation has disappeared. What happened? It may be that you need to become involved in projects that have more universal resonance. Projects concerning only your interests, or are of a narrow scope no longer hold your attention.

Your horoscope for October 1, 2009
As much as you try to explain things to others, C, they are simply not going to see them with the same amount of intensity and do-or-die urgency as you do. Be careful that you don't contrive a series of far-out hyperbolic stories that are only a partial reflection of the truth. Make sure the picture you paint is an accurate one, or else others are apt to lose faith in your judgment.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

autumn gray skies

another day of work... another day of worries.
maybe it's the autumn grey sky in the end of the afternoons, maybe it's the cold weather coming in, i dunno... but i'm starting to feel a bit down. even when i'm at home. right now i was trying to distract myself with some online mahjong and was almost falling asleep in front of the laptop. i must've been looking pretty silly!

i got emails to answer, "thank yous" to give for zines & personal notes i got in the mailbox.
i keep delaying going to the print shop to try out some photocopies of artwork and images for my zine. i keep delaying this and the writings/transcribe.
i hate when i get ideas in my mind that would be good to write down and develop more (into essays or rants) but i'm always in the wrong place and/or at the wrong time most of the times it happens - in the bathroom, while changing into my pajamas, while i'm eating, while i'm brushing my teeth, and sometimes at work, but at least there i get to scribble some things down on little bits of paper.

i'm always waiting for my next day off work to do things. to continues the cleaning up in my bedroom so i can take the laptop there and set up a little corner to write and stuff...

everyday i feel the need to write more and more in my journal to vent the sh*tloads of idiocy that happen at work... but i'm always too tired or too busy or out of time or... i'm reading somebody else's zine that just arrived in the mail this week. i feel good reading other people's stuff, many times i can identify with them or with some of the experiences they write about and it feels comforting. when i don't relate to it, it's another experience to learn about, to try to view the world and life from somebody else's perspective, and i like that. either way, it's a positive thing to read zines!
my job keeps draining my energy and the few good things i still have(?) inside of me; it leaves me numb but at the same time i'm fully aware of this, of the bad things it "gives" me and that's so contradictory, isn't it? what the hell has this to do with the zine stuff i just wrote before?, you're probably asking... it has a lot to do with zines, with my zine. it has a lot to do with wanting to make a zine, to "escape" my everyday mundane and frustrating job/life by distracting myself with some creative let out, as i've been feeling this need to create for months now. and unfortunately, my job it was keeps me from advancing into making the zine, because i lack the time i would like to have and many times the motivation to work some more, to force my eyes on yet another computer screen and my brain into solving problems with grammar and text construction and layout design etc etc.