i'm on Class 3, from the total of 5, and i have to finish the course until March 11.
as i'm given this work assignment to "Develop a Business Plan", i come to realize that from the 13 topics questionnaire, i don't know how to answer over half of the questions.
this afternoon and after dinner, all throughout this classes's program, i've been trying to read and trying desperately to understand the program, but for most of it i couldn't.
this is making me feel so frustrated and depressed. this makes me feel stupid. like i've lost what was (still) left of my intelligence...
what was i thinking when i signed up for this shit?! did i really think i had enough neurones left in my brain, after all these years of useless classes of this and that, of working for free at training jobs, with no experience and working my ass off to learn new technical skills and developing some socializing skills? all this for what?
for a dream of almost 2years working at a "steady" job and then seeing my "dream" torn apart almost overnight. i know i was the one who quit the job, i know. but i couldn't go on at it the way it was, i was going crazy.
and here i am now, 3 months later, feeling like a total loser, stupid, frustrated, angry, and feeling guilty for the money i spent signing up for these Entrepreneurship classes.
i know that maybe i should face the fact that perhaps i'm not ready (yet) to create my own business. i don't have the management, marketing, selling knowledges required, even less the financial stability to engage in such an investment. maybe, just maybe, i should wait a while. maybe restart looking for a shitty part-time job. but this is what i had been doing before i started the class and i wasn't being that successful in finding a job! damn this vicious circle, damn this country i say! i don't damn my own country with pride, but with grudge.
i know i can't be perfect all the time, i can't be the know-it-all. but i was never taught to think or behave differently. and this makes me feel even more stupid.
i think i'm gonna give up studying for tonight, i have to stop torturing myself, i'm already feeling like i'm falling down through that dark hole of depression... again.
lately, the only times when i feel good are:
- while i'm reading - zines mostly -, i've set the TAW book aside for a while, but know i feel i should pick up on the reading and the lessons...,
- while i'm writing on my journal, doing my first TAW lesson everyday after waking up,
- while i'm sleeping, this way i don't have to think and worry about my useless life.
i do try to see the bright side of things, i do try to live one day at a time. but it's getting harder and harder, i'm alone in my trials and it's getting harder to keep any of the hope i still might have left inside alive.
it's hard to believe that my life will ever change, it's hard to believe that i'll ever get out of here and move on to something better, to a life of my own.
and i apologize, to you reading this, for the whole gloomy rant.