Friday, January 22, 2010

Just shut up and obey

a couple of days ago i started making a "To-Do" list again, after about 3 years of quitting. i just quit because in the end i hardly ever accomplished half of the items i used to write down. i made daily list, weekly lists, even monthly lists, and i still have that journal around somewhere in my chaotic bedroom.
but, once again, just like the last time(s), i haven't finished half of the tasks i wrote down on this new list. i guess i shouldn't be so surprised, procrastination does rule around here...

it hasn't been easy to accomplish things, besides the usual "excuse" of procrastination, things haven't really been easy around the house lately.
on the positive side, i got two packages in the mail this week, my order from Cindy Crabb zines distro and my order from Corinne Mucha's comic books. stupid old lazy me, and i still haven't emailed them back about getting the packages ok.
but, on the negative side, the packages i got in the mail annoyed my parents. as usual. with a couple more books i'm expecting to arrive during next week, i can imagine what's it gonna be like then...

to continue on with the negative stuff, my job search isn't going very well. it's going nowhere, actually, since i haven't found any proper ads that i can reply to! plus, all the human resources companies i've been browsing online, besides the ones i had joined a couple of years ago (and never got a message back from them), with their over extensive online application forms, that's just all too overwhelming for me to handle right now.

today, specially, seems like a hit-and-miss day...
the day started as all the other past days. i woke up before noon to my alarm-clock/cellphone and only got out of "bed" at around 2pm for lunch with my parents. i say "bed" because the last couple of weeks i've been sleeping in the couch. out of free will, really! this Winter is being harder (colder) than the last one; my own bedroom is like a freezer and the only place in the apartment where we have heating is the living-room because of the fireplace. so my parents felt pity on me and started letting me sleep in the couch.
but tonight i'll be back to my bedroom... so much for pity now.

and this is happening as a "punishment". it's like i'm 13 again and i have to abide to my father's rules/orders. specially those kind of rules that don't make much sense and you can tell they're actually a form of punishment. and sometimes it's a punishment that also doesn't make sense, or doesn't require such harsh measures.
aaahh, the joys of parenthood! to have the right to discipline your children whatever way you feel like to, and without having to justify your decisions and demands, even when they are completely opposite to the examples you give in your own actions. that has always been so typical in my parents... why am i even surprised, after almost 30 years of this bullsh*t?

this is what happens when you are unemployed, a full grown adult yet still living with your dysfunctional family.
the good old golden rule that every parent follows: «As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules»
well, guess what, i'm not a teenager anymore. i might not be able to get into drugs or alcohol, as a way of escapism, but i can still escape the effects of your oppressive behavior, i know i can, somehow...

with all these stupid things happening around me, i can't seem to pick up where i left working on my zine. this makes it all even more frustrating than it already is, of course.
not working on the zine, not writing back to people i promised letters to, not connecting with new people i admire.
not having the (mental) strength to accomplish these simple and easier things is disrupting the part of me that was determined and persistent, my whole self-confidence. how will i accomplish the harder things?
how will i find the confidence and leave out my natural shyness if i ever get a job interview? it's just one of those things that make me feel really anxious and terrified most of the times, interviews. if you don't count the interview i went to in last november, i haven't had to go to a job interview for almost 3 years now.

i suppose i'll have to make friends (again) with benzodiazepines - my magic sleeping/anxiolytic pills... Starting out tonight, has i already took my double dosage and i'm keeping track of time in case i need to take the third pill. and with three little magic pills i know i'll sleep like a rock tonight.
it will probably slow my brain when i get in bed, which can be good sometimes, because for some strange reason my brain seems to get more active when i'm lying down trying to fall asleep. it's usually that time when i get all sorts of ideas and a big urge to write everything down, every topic and idea, and to develop writing essays.
while i'm at it, i must confess: i haven't written in my journal for about two weeks. and, of course, i've been having the "side effects" of bottling up everything inside. no wonder i find it hard to fall asleep, even when it's very late at night, or to concentrate during the day...

i'm a mess, maybe on my way to wreckage, who knows. and who can save me? is there anyone or anything out there? any hope left?

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