Wednesday, December 16, 2009


only two days since my last post and it seems like it's almost been a week.
these last 2-3 days, since monday, the temperatures went down, in some places in Portugal even reaching negative degrees, where around in Matosinhos it was between 4º-6º degrees (that's about 39º-43º Fahrenheit degrees), specially at night.
all this lovely chill and brain-freezing weather affected me more than what i thought it would. i guess it's because i spent the last two winters [note: i know it's not Winter yet, but it feels as cold as that!] working, out of the house... I thought rainy days were bad for depression, but cold freezing days aren't that much better! it's a huge sacrifice to get out of bed and move around the house. it's not that easy to come to my laptop either (now that i've had it set-up in our "office" in the living-room since last weekend), because the heat from our "metal boxed" fireplace hardly reaches this corner of the living-room. having the laptop on the table near the fireplace doesn't seem like the best idea either. taking it back to my bedroom isn't that much of a good idea because i'd freeze in there, so, i'm stuck with this.

this chill even gave me a headache, a couple of nights ago. i hardly ever get headaches, i'm more the migraine type of girl, so realizing that what i had was a headache caused by the cold wasn't very pleasant.

i was trying to get my sleep schedule a little back to normal, trying not to go to bed so late and getting up a bit earlier in the morning. but the double-dose of sleeping pills doesn't seem to work for me anymore. am i gonna have to use the "3 pills" tactic? because, we're talking about benzodiazepines, and they're well-known for causing dependence and tolerance over the time they're used...
i know the 3 dose will work for sure (as i've used it a couple of times when i felt worse), but my problem is i never know when it's the right time to take the pills so they are efective and give sleep that makes me want to go to bed. sometimes it's already 2am or 3am and i think about taking one to get sleepy and stop me from staying up for much longer. but then i'm afraid it might be too late and that taking a sleeping pill that late will make me sleep for most of the next day. it's all too confusing.
the last days i tried to go bed a bit earlier, i'd find myself and my brain quite awake, and thinking about the problems with my work situation. insomnia is a pretty f~cked up thing, you know? eventually, i do fall asleep, but the next morning is always the same strenuous sacrifice to get out of bed.

it's hard to feel motivated with all this "internal chaos" going on. it's hard to get out of bed every single day, when i don't have a job anymore, when i don't have any sort of schedule to follow. something is taking away my willpower, every day, bit by bit. and i feel like there's nothing i can do to change this. there are times i feel so impotent, like it can't get any better than this.
i was chatting with a close friend on MSN and i said, sort of joking, that i was going to hibernate, until Spring or at least until the cold-grey-rainy-gloomy weather was (almost) gone. i wish i could do something like that, hibernate, but eventually, i would miss out on some things i like. and i would end up feeling even more useless about myself and my life than what i already feel sometimes...

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