Wednesday, November 25, 2009

is it worth it?

i had written something to post on my blog concerning the latest events that are talking place in my life, but if i were to transcribe it all it would be too long - it took me 4 and a half A5 pages to write - so perhaps i should save the best parts for my shitty zine project (yep, that one that will never came to life).

it's been about a week since i was on my laptop for the last time. yesterday i tried to turn it on early morning and the mouse wasn’t working, but i thought it might be because the laptop was working on batteries (?). but today, i connected everything with the usual plugs and then the mouse... still not working. i even tried testing it with the mouse i use on my desktop and none of them work! it's frustrating and it infuriates me, it makes me wanna pick the mouse and throw it against the wall, to see it smash in little pieces. and it's even more frustrating because this is actually the second mouse i got for the laptop, since the first one didn't work well (it would work for a while, then suddenly for no reason it'd stop working). so i went to the store (this was about 2 months ago) where i bought it (ironically, the nearest store of the very own corporation i work at) and explain to them the problem and had the other mouse exchanged for a new one, different brand and even a bit more expensive (19,99€). now, two months later no mouse’s work here... what the f~ck is going on?? do i have to go and get my dad desktop mouse and try it here too, so in the end it will be some f~cked-up problem with the laptop itself and with the connections on the USB ports? looks just like the whole world is out to f~cking get me.

yes, this time i'm swearing a lot, no wonder although. how can i work around on the laptop, moving files and working on word files using this stupid touchpad thing? how can i write this blog post, make copy-paste of text parts, spellchecked it correctly and whatever? i sense a nice headache coming this way (coming my head, i mean).

today is my father’s birthday, he's turning 65, officially entering the so-called middle-age. he and my mother went out for lunch at some restaurant and been out the rest of the day. mom just called me some minutes ago, and i heard dad joking about that he was going to buy a champagne bottle to celebrate when they come home for dinner.
i don't feel like celebrating. i keep remembering that i didn’t wish him «happy birthday!» or even gave him a kiss when he came to check on me [note: i was feeling “sick” and didn’t want to go to work, but i’ve got more details on that further down this post] at my bedroom this morning.

i just wanna curl up inside my bed, turn off the lights, and cry till i fall asleep. ah, not to forget to take the two magic (sleeping) pills so that i can fall asleep faster and sleep deeper. that's what i would be doing right now, if it wasn't for the guilt. always the damn guilt. maybe it's something we are cursed with from Christianity (even atheists like me?) and can hardly ever run way from. or maybe it's just our Conscious trying to tell us we can do better, we just have to try harder, even if it hurts and it turns you inside out.

overall, i initially turned on the laptop today because i had to check and update my resume, so that i could answer a job ad from this weekend's newspaper. that's why i'm not sleeping or lying around in the sofa watching some random tv show. because for the last 3 days i would get my conscious/guilt constantly reminding me that i would feel guilty later on, if i didn't at least try and send my resume (they asked it be sent by email) to that job ad. still, i've been on the laptop for almost 3 hours and haven't done much more than open the word file with my resume, update a few things here and there... and stare at the ad, at my email account, and at my resume.

i didn't go to work today. i couldn't. i just didn't feel in proper conditions to function and attend costumers the way i feel it's right, the way i used to do in my other store. yeah, i got transferred. i was "informed" on the last minute, you can almost say it that way. i wasn't asked if i wanted to go, if i could go, if i would like to. i was told i needed (have) to go. i was "informed" of my transfer on the 16th almost at 6:30pm, and had to be at me "new" store on the next day at 3pm. a whole lot of changes with a less than 24hour notice. i don't even know if that's legal (cause i suspect it is not). but who cares?

so this morning when i was feeling
sick, i didn't called to warn them; not that i'm specially needed in there or that there's no-one else in there to do what i've been doing there... but they didn't try to call me either. they didn't even bother to ask for my phone number, so i guess it really isn't (i'm not) that important after all.

the last weeks, when i was still at my "ex" store, i used to secretly wish i'd get sick with the flu. no, really, i'm not kidding! just the normal flu would be enough, cause that would give me about 3 or 4 days to stay home away from all the negative energy i was starting to feel building up around me. maybe there was some sort of 6th sense kind of thing i was feeling... and know that i think about it it feels even weirder...

all this shit happening in the last week as made me unable to find the strengths to came online and reply to pending emails, to pending trades [i’m so sorry LM, please forgive me!] and etsy sellers (all lovely people) and check We Make Zines for new zines & people. my biggest apologies for not answering back to all you people that i’ve had been contacting the past weeks :-((

i wish i could just magically disappear and came back into a whole new world, or a whole new life, with a job that made me feel good about myself, a job that made me feel like a was making a (positive) difference in the world, a job that made me feel worthwhile. and, maybe, why not, a job that would be related to community service, helping animals (animal shelters, animals rights associations)? oh, i forgot, these are not “paying jobs”, so they’re not real jobs. ok, so...

... then i would just like to disappear into a dark and quiet void, please. Thank You, shitty world.

[2009-11-26 // 0:23am update]

i ended up drinking the champagne, as a little part inside of me remembered those days in the past when booze and dancing would make a bit of the pain(s) go away, even if just for a couple of hours. now, i guess that only worked when i was on my early twenties, because now at 31 alcohol seems to make me feel even more awake & aware of the shitty life i have and all the problems that can't never be fixed that easily. not with alcohol anyway, that's for sure.

i don't even know how i got enough brains to come back to the laptop and read some stuff, browse some zinester's blogs, go to my etsy things, etc etc. and even write another post for my blog.

and now i'm facing the harsh reality that i have to go to sleep so that i can wake up tomorrow early morning and fix my shit back up again so i can face another day of work at that place. how can i do this? how and where can i find the strengths to face another day in there?

i have no religion - therefore, no god(s) to pray for hope, no faith
i have no romantic relationship - therefore, no loved one to cuddle and give me hugs
i have no typical supportive family - therefore, again no loved ones to cuddle/hug/cheer me
i have ...nothing?

on a completely different issue, i emailed my resume to that job ad i wrote about in the middle of this post. it took me hours to get the guts to do it, but i finally did it. now i'll just wait. i now i'll try to act calm and not obsess over it if i don't get an answer (any answer, even if a NO) in the next few days. it makes me feel like that job ad is my last resort, which doesn't make that much sense, since i just barely started taking a peek at job ads and applying for them. maybe i should start doing more of this. the only problem is i have about two months of work to give my company if i want to quit my contract. it's something about contract laws, i would owe them 2months of work or then i'd have to pay them the equivalent of 2 months work. what if i get called to start working immediately somewhere else? lucky as i am, the downside will be on me. ahhh, shit!

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